My first thoughts that I remember are when I was 3 years old. I always felt strange and out of place even then. Like I didn't belong here in this strange body, feeling all these strange unpleasant sensations and feelings. I always felt confused and never knew what was the right thing to do. I was jealous of my younger siblings because they seemed to be loved and accepted and I wanted that.
My grandmother was very religious and taught me about God and Jesus and brought me along to her "meetings" and "conventions" She was very strong in her beliefs and scolded me many times for my thoughts and actions and even for the fact that I had nail polish on. Hell was a predominant threat. But, even though she did that, I loved her and loved listening to the Bible stories she told me with rapt attention. I loved going to meetings and conventions and singing the hymns. I even wanted to be a "worker" when I grew up.
But, it was apparent that that was not in my future. I like to do what I like to do and nobody was going to stop me. I was resentful of anyone who told me I couldn't do something. Like, "why the hell not?"
I used to have a hard time going to sleep when I was a young child. I remember even when I was 3 laying in bed wondering about profound things. Later on, I wondered, worried, and obsessed over God, Jesus, the Angels and how we all came to be and "what if this" and "what if that." I scared myself with my thoughts. I guess even then I had anxiety. My stomach would be in knots and I had a funny sensation of not being real and so very very small and insignificant. I always had questions for my grandmother. I was never satisfied with her answers. God was always out of reach and never gave me any help. Or so it seemed. I always felt alone and that nobody understood me. I did not like being here at all.
When it was time to register me for kindergarten, I remember my mom saying, “look there’s a colored boy”. I said “where?” I was looking for a boy that was coloring. I didn't see anybody who was coloring. I was frustrated because I often could not figure out what people were talking about. I always felt dumb.
The first day of kindergarten we were all sitting in a circle in Mrs. Hammernicks class. I looked next to me and seen this boy who was a different color. I guess I never had seen such a thing. Then I thought this must be what my mother was referring too. My stomach was in knots. I did not like this strange place. I thought he must be feeling the same way. I bravely tapped him on the shoulder and waved “Hi” to him. He waved back. We have been friends now for 40 years. Turned out he lived a couple of houses down from me. He was my best friend and I could tell him anything and he never judged me. I could be myself with him. We’ve lost each other for periods of time over the years. But, somehow we always found each other again. And the feeling is the same. I know him, he knows me. And I miss my best friend.
When I was 11 or 12, I met another great lifetime friend. Through the years we have lost and then re-found each other. And it's like we never were apart at all. These 2 people are my spiritual life long friends.
So, back to spiritual and profound things. I remember spending the night somewhere when I was little and the room had wallpaper with the Smurfs on it. I swear a Smurf winked at me. I was scared to death!!
I was visiting with my New York family with my mom and dad once when I was around 8 years old. All of a sudden, I had the strangest feeling and knowing that I was going to marry someone from this certain family. It was very weird.
When I was around 11 or 12, I had a boyfriend for a brief time (most likely a day or 2 lol). His name was Michael. I didn’t really feel like I wanted to be his girlfriend. It didn’t feel right. But, I knew my husband was going to be named Michael from that point on.
My dad left our family when I was 10. They finally got divorced when I was 12. It was very messy and painful. I hated everything and everyone at that time. I tried to kill myself several times. I remember being in my room late at night with a knife trying to cut myself. Because life just sucked and the world was going to end and what was the point of anything. But, I just couldn't do it. I knew I was here for something.
When I moved to New York my family took the train. At the train station, there was this man hanging back. I didn’t know he was with my uncle picking us up. As soon as I laid eyes on him, I knew he was my husband.
I always felt safe and comfortable around him. I always felt like this was where I was supposed to be. Six years later he was my husband. He still is.
Through all this time, I had strong convictions on who was God and what was in the Bible. This was based on what my grandmother taught me. Then I met some Jehovah’s Witnesses. Of course, I stood my ground and tried to disprove them on everything. But, no, they disproved me right in my grandmother’s Bible. I was intrigued. Who were these people? I had always asked my grandmother what God’s name was. Apparently, he didn’t need a name. So, that was the first intriguing thing I learned from them.
But, I didn’t really fit in. I sorta did but not really. I loved the people. But a judgmental God was just something I could not get close too. Sure He could be loving. But, if I stepped out of line, I was a great sinner destined for the ultimate death. I just could not live up to all these rules and regulations. I tried 3 separate time years apart to be one of his witnesses. It didn’t work. My husband hated them and hated religion of any kind. My stomach was always in knots every time I went to the meeting. Then, I started hating my husband and viewing him as the enemy, the devil himself. It took a long time to change the way I thought. A long painful time. I quit the religion. I had to accept myself and my faults and forgive myself and then I did for my husband. And things have been great between us since then.
But, I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for years. Medication was taking care of it. But, last September it reared it’s ugly head again. Stronger than ever before. I have been learning Reiki and different forms of healing. Different ideas. I slack off a lot and then go back to it. But, I guess, someone higher has different plans for me and wanted to get my attention again and for good this time. I have been reading crazy things. But, one thing I do know. I am here for a reason. I do have something to do. I will figure it out. And things people taught me are not right. They are a lie.
I have always had frequent recurring dreams of my husband leaving me for another woman. It’s always weird. It’s in a strange house. He is completely ignoring me and oblivious to my feelings. I want to die. I want to kill him. I feel so wronged and devastated. When I wake up it feels so real I want to hit him right in his sleep. When you look online about what dreams mean. They say that those kind of dreams are really not about your spouse cheating you. According to this article: it’s about a common and universal fear of being wronged or left alone. I know the signs of a cheating spouse and have been watching out for them every since day one. I know it's not that. But, maybe he did cheat on me and left me in another life. Because it feels so real. Anyway, I would multilate him and kill him if he did.
I guess my subconscious mind has been telling me I’ve been wrong and made to believe wrong things. My body has been trying to get my attention the only way it could. I just have been ignoring it and was unaware that my soul was communicating with me.
I am alright. I am Love. I am Divine Love. I am one with the Universe and the Source. For the Source is in me and everyone and everywhere. I am here learning lessons and not being judged to eternal hell. Nature is beautiful and knows what it is doing. Things are going along just fine and as they should be. This life is NOT all that there is. And my husband, kids, grandkids, and 2 best friends have been with me for many life times. I need to listen to my soul and trust my soul. I need to let my soul guide my mind.
Here are some links to a few books that have helped me:
This one helped me with realizing what energy is, how to think positive, and that there are forces and energies that we have no idea about or really have any understanding about.
This book has helped me with sorting out the religious aspect of things. Why do we have religion? Why is there so many of them? Is there really only 1 way to go? Everything can't be a lie, can it?
This book was so much easier to understand and was down to earth in explanations. Yes, there is still much mystery that we do not know. But that is okay. We are made perfectly.
I am still reading "crazy" books. Still on my Spiritual Journey. I still do not know what I need to do. But, I am still looking. I have a lot to learn and a lot of acceptance to go. But I am taking what I can comprehend and use it to ground myself in this life.
No 1 person has all the answers. The Bible does not have all the answers. Religion does not have all the answers. But, we all need to trust ourselves more than we do and stop believing everything passed down from generation to generation. Nature is run perfectly, Our body's are made perfectly. All is well with the world. We just need to change our thinking. Our thinking and rules have screwed this world up.
Am I crazy? Who isn't? And that's okay!