Monday, July 30, 2012
There was so much fighting, crying, and my mother had breakdowns, and I had to hear my father force my mother into sex acts. It was all quite sickening. So when he did leave for good, it was a relief! Although, I was pissed at them both.
Why the hell did they even get married? It was the end of the 60s and my father grew up with strict religious parents who instilled in him that if you knock a girl up; you marry her. So, that's what he did. And that was so NOT the right thing to do. Although, if he didn't, I would never have known who my father was or have the sister's that I do have.
But anyway there is much much more to this than that and I don't have the time, space, or will to go into it all.
The separation and divorce was also an embarrassment because my father took with him the only TV we owned and the only stereo which was our main source of a radio. We had no money and I had to explain to my friends that yes I did watch that episode of Battlestar Galactica because I was so embarrassed that we didn't have a TV.
Then my mom got all religious and getting a TV or radio was of no importance to her anymore. We didn't get these to items until I was 12. Now keep in mind that I was 9, 10, 11, and 12 during this time period. Friends were very important to me. And all my friends were doing all these things that I couldn't do.
So, for 3 years, I had hate festering in me. Hate for my father. And of course, I hated my father for more that this. Basically, I did not see him for 3 years. My father and mother did not get a divorce until I was 12. And it was a very nasty, hurtful, vindictive separation and divorce.
So, when I was 12 and the divorce was over, my father tried to win me back in his favor. I did not go for it at all. I was nasty to him and acted like I hated him. Which of course I did. And so, a very hurt, pissed off 12 year old equals a hellion. I smoked cigarettes and pot and drank alcohol. By the time I was 13, I tried numerous times to kill myself. I drank myself into a coma once. And then I decided to have sex at 13. Yes, I decided.
Me and my father did not try to repair our relationship until I was 16 and knocked up myself. I have lived with him from time to time. I still never was comfortable with him. Till this day, it's very hard for me to even talk to him on the phone. My stomach is in knots thinking about it. And then there never really is anything to say. Other than "Hi, how are you? Things are going good here. How about your way? How is the weather?" And then there is nothing and we both have to end the hell quickly.
I have talked to my father about that time period and how I felt and that I was sorry about how I acted. But, still it's so hard.