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My mom and dad split up when I was 9 years old. The marriage was pure hell for them and me. Yes, me! I had to hear my mom crying late at night because my father was out after work doing god knows what. (Well, we know cheating was going on). When he was around it was pure hell. I walked on eggshells and was sick to my stomach most of the time. My father acted like he just hated my mom. I didn't feel like he liked me much either. I was the only reason that they even got married.

There was so much fighting, crying, and my mother had breakdowns, and I had to hear my father force my mother into sex acts. It was all quite sickening. So when he did leave for good, it was a relief! Although, I was pissed at them both.

Why the hell did they even get married? It was the end of the 60s and my father grew up with strict religious parents who instilled in him that if you knock a girl up; you marry her. So, that's what he did. And that was so NOT the right thing to do. Although, if he didn't, I would never have known who my father was or have the sister's that I do have.

But anyway there is much much more to this than that and I don't have the time, space, or will to go into it all.

The separation and divorce was also an embarrassment because my father took with him the only TV we owned and the only stereo which was our main source of a radio. We had no money and I had to explain to my friends that yes I did watch that episode of Battlestar Galactica because I was so embarrassed that we didn't have a TV.

Then my mom got all religious and getting a TV or radio was of no importance to her anymore. We didn't get these to items until I was 12. Now keep in mind that I was 9, 10, 11, and 12 during this time period. Friends were very important to me. And all my friends were doing all these things that I couldn't do.

So, for 3 years, I had hate festering in me. Hate for my father. And of course, I hated my father for more that this. Basically, I did not see him for 3 years. My father and mother did not get a divorce until I was 12. And it was a very nasty, hurtful, vindictive separation and divorce.

So, when I was 12 and the divorce was over, my father tried to win me back in his favor. I did not go for it at all. I was nasty to him and acted like I hated him. Which of course I did. And so, a very hurt, pissed off 12 year old equals a hellion. I smoked cigarettes and pot and drank alcohol. By the time I was 13, I tried numerous times to kill myself. I drank myself into a coma once. And then I decided to have sex at 13. Yes, I decided.

Me and my father did not try to repair our relationship until I was 16 and knocked up myself. I have lived with him from time to time. I still never was comfortable with him. Till this day, it's very hard for me to even talk to him on the phone. My stomach is in knots thinking about it. And then there never really is anything to say. Other than "Hi, how are you? Things are going good here. How about your way? How is the weather?" And then there is nothing and we both have to end the hell quickly.

I have talked to my father about that time period and how I felt and that I was sorry about how I acted. But, still it's so hard.



Renee' said…
That whole part of our childhood fucked up in so many ways!

I'm so sorry that all of that left a strained, hard relationship for you and dad. It is understandable though.

I have hated how those years of our childhood affected all of us as Sisters. It didn't have to be that way. None of it did!

Bad decisions, hate, anger, hurt, carelessness, tradition over common sense, revenge, dependency, infidelity, abuse, drugs and alcohol, embarrassment, greed...

I'm so sorry, sis! I love you!
love you too! So now it's out there finally. and i can just let it go. i thought i have before. but i never have wrote it down. it's scary to put myself out there. I have always locked it away.

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