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When I get like this it's best to just shut up. It's hard for me to shut up though. I'm mad and someone should know it. That's what I think. Anyway, this is going to be the first time I have written my feelings in this crazed madness that I'm feeling. So If I go off the deep end this will be a clue into the deep dark madness of a psychotic episode  At least that is how I'm feeling.

I'm trying to get my mind off of my feelings. I took a nap. That did not help. The meds have not kicked in yet. I can't cook supper because I'm afraid of the stress of spinning around in circles (remember, I have no kitchen). I can't deal with stress people. I just can't! I try to solve problems and think of alternatives. But, the daily grind of stress and people in my personal life sometimes is too much. I used to go to work to relieve myself of the stress of family. Now there is so much stress at work that I hate my job. I thought I was getting better at handling it. But, after missing doses of meds, things begin to spiral down into a dark hole.

It just pisses me off. I'm mad because I can't solve an issue at work. I have tried again and again. It can't be done. I think of how things would be less stressful. It does not work because the powers that be do not care. They expect you to operate with less staff and more and more work and more and more requirements  They throw other peoples jobs at you to do along with your own. Which might be fine, If I wasn't dealing with patients all day.

And interrupted 50,000,000 times registering 1 damn person. I was so stressed, I did not know what I was doing. Registering 2 people at once. Answering 2 phones at once. What department am I in: Patient Rights Booklet. Patient Information. No I'm in Patient Registration. But, I can't think of registration because booklet and information is what I've been saying to patients all day. Wtf!! How is anyone to deal with this day after day without snapping. I have to make sure to dot the i's and cross the t's and do everything perfectly with a god damn smile on my face . Sorry people that don't work.

So, I'm mad and upset because of everything. I'm mad at myself because I can't handle it. Because I have to take medicine to deal with things. I get upset because people say go take some medicine. Fuck that!!! Why do I have to take medicine to deal with stupid people. Why don't some stupid people STOP making things so damn impossible to deal with. JUST STOP!! And then when someone breaks down, "Oh, that person is crazy!!"

Fuck everything!! I am barricaded in my room now. Fuck everything!!


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Early this morning we had an eclipse of the moon. It was a full moon and the eclipse turned the moon red. I have been noticing the effects of the moon on my body and mood since September when I had a return of my panic attacks.I finally feel that I've conquered that with the help of meds and meditations. Lot's of meditation, relaxing music, plenty of spiritual reading, and soul searching. 

Everything isenergy. Even us. So when I get anxious and nervous now, I try to remember that it's just energy. That what I'm feeling is the energy in me and all around me. I'm fine and everything is okay and as it should be. I take deep breaths and make sure I work on clearing my chakras everyday and do my meditations at night. I want to get off the meds, but my intuition is telling me to wait until I am whole. I don't feel whole quite yet. But, everyday things are getting better. I'm feeling a calmness and serenity in me. I'm feeling happier and more joyful everyday.

Conflicting Feelings

My fingers are itching to type and my mind is in overdrive again. It's scary to pour your heart out. But, I did get a good response on my last post. The response was on Facebook. I really really wish people would comment on the blog post itself also :)

Well, maybe I should explain why I am so upset with religion??

Religion specifically Christianity;

We are taught:

To be separate from the world; to not mix and mingle with the world; if you do you will be influenced by them for the badTo just listen to God's laws and if you don't you are a problemThat we are not to believe in rituals and spiritualism  To listen to God and not ourselves; we just can't be trustedTo look down on people who are not us or who think and act differently (yes, I hear your protests that this is not so)That we are sinners who can never measure up 
Why is this bothering me so?
It has caused me nothing but anxiety attacks and low self-esteemIt has inhibited me from further progressing; my mind has never …

The Best Darn Stain Remover

I got this recipe from Pinterest. This is great for any stain you might have. It's the only thing I use. And it's easy. Easy is my middle name. In more ways than one lol.
In a Spray Bottle mix:

1 part of Dawn Dishwashing Detergent (the old blue kind)
2 parts of Hydrogen Peroxide

Shake. Spray. Throw in the wash.

That's it. It's stinky. But don't let that stop you. It works and it's easy. When you put it through the wash you can't smell it anymore. I promise.