Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Crazy

When I get like this it's best to just shut up. It's hard for me to shut up though. I'm mad and someone should know it. That's what I think. Anyway, this is going to be the first time I have written my feelings in this crazed madness that I'm feeling. So If I go off the deep end this will be a clue into the deep dark madness of a psychotic episode  At least that is how I'm feeling.

I'm trying to get my mind off of my feelings. I took a nap. That did not help. The meds have not kicked in yet. I can't cook supper because I'm afraid of the stress of spinning around in circles (remember, I have no kitchen). I can't deal with stress people. I just can't! I try to solve problems and think of alternatives. But, the daily grind of stress and people in my personal life sometimes is too much. I used to go to work to relieve myself of the stress of family. Now there is so much stress at work that I hate my job. I thought I was getting better at handling it. But, after missing doses of meds, things begin to spiral down into a dark hole.

It just pisses me off. I'm mad because I can't solve an issue at work. I have tried again and again. It can't be done. I think of how things would be less stressful. It does not work because the powers that be do not care. They expect you to operate with less staff and more and more work and more and more requirements  They throw other peoples jobs at you to do along with your own. Which might be fine, If I wasn't dealing with patients all day.

And interrupted 50,000,000 times registering 1 damn person. I was so stressed, I did not know what I was doing. Registering 2 people at once. Answering 2 phones at once. What department am I in: Patient Rights Booklet. Patient Information. No I'm in Patient Registration. But, I can't think of registration because booklet and information is what I've been saying to patients all day. Wtf!! How is anyone to deal with this day after day without snapping. I have to make sure to dot the i's and cross the t's and do everything perfectly with a god damn smile on my face . Sorry people that don't work.

So, I'm mad and upset because of everything. I'm mad at myself because I can't handle it. Because I have to take medicine to deal with things. I get upset because people say go take some medicine. Fuck that!!! Why do I have to take medicine to deal with stupid people. Why don't some stupid people STOP making things so damn impossible to deal with. JUST STOP!! And then when someone breaks down, "Oh, that person is crazy!!"

Fuck everything!! I am barricaded in my room now. Fuck everything!!

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