|Thoughts in my head....|
Well, for some reason this is truly bothering me this time. I usually pay people no mind about their opinions and can let it go with no problem. But, have instead been carrying on a hateful dialog that is never going to go anywhere or change anyone's mind. Much like every other subject in life. Do I feel like I was an abused child? No, I don't feel that way.
So, why is it bothering me now. Maybe the spankings I had when a child have affected me more than I know. Maybe this has stunted my emotional growth and have caused me to have low self esteem and depression all my life. Making me feel like I am evil and do not deserve anything good in my life. Or maybe I just inherited it from my grandmother who also suffered from this. Also, a couple of people in the family have depression and anxiety and they were not spanked.
I think that I inherited this condition from my grandmother and the spankings I got just enforced the idea because my parents really didn't show me that they even liked me or were interested in anything I have had to say to them. Therefore, I just stopped trying to tell them anything and retreated to my own little world.
And as an adult, I am still in my own little world feeling like I still did at the age of 13. It's hell and I hate it. I have tried numerous ways to find peace and contentment and happiness. Nothing has worked. Medication has not worked either.
Recently, I watched a movie on positive thinking and have began reading about Reiki and have had a few Reiki sessions. I think they have helped more than anything else has. I have a long way to go. But this issue will not go away. Something has been blocking me from my full potential and I feel like I have been waiting my whole life for something to happen. It's frustrating, Because my mind will not let me go. Could I have been abused some way and do not remember it at all? I don't think it was spankings. I think it was something else.