Wednesday, July 4, 2012


Thoughts in my head....
To spank or not to spank? And let me clarify that spanking and abuse are two different things. Apparently, some people do not get that at all. And someone on Twitter called me a child abuser. Hmmm? A couple of cracks on the butt using your hand is abuse? Jeez! I used to get a spanking with a bare ass and a belt or a switch from the yard that I had to pick myself. And it wasn't a couple of swats either.

Well, for some reason this is truly bothering me this time. I usually pay people no mind about their opinions and can let it go with no problem. But, have instead been carrying on a hateful dialog that is never going to go anywhere or change anyone's mind. Much like every other subject in life. Do I feel like I was an abused child? No, I don't feel that way. 

So, why is it bothering me now. Maybe the spankings I had when a child have affected me more than I know. Maybe this has stunted my emotional growth and have caused me to have low self esteem and depression all my life. Making me feel like I am evil and do not deserve anything good in my life. Or maybe I just inherited it from my grandmother who also suffered from this. Also, a couple of people in the family have depression and anxiety and they were not spanked.

I think that I inherited this condition from my grandmother and the spankings I got just enforced the idea because my parents really didn't show me that they even liked me or were interested in anything I have had to say to them. Therefore, I just stopped trying to tell them anything and retreated to my own little world.

And as an adult, I am still in my own little world feeling like I still did at the age of 13. It's hell and I hate it. I have tried numerous ways to find peace and contentment and happiness. Nothing has worked. Medication has not worked either.

Recently, I watched a movie on positive thinking and have began reading about Reiki and have had a few Reiki sessions. I think they have helped more than anything else has. I have a long way to go. But this issue will not go away. Something has been blocking me from my full potential and I feel like I have been waiting my whole life for something to happen. It's frustrating, Because my mind will not let me go. Could I have been abused some way and do not remember it at all? I don't think it was spankings. I think it was something else.


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