Not Your Average Granny

If any of you have been following this blog, you know that it has gone through many transformations, and myself as well. What I have come to realize is that life is a continuous process of change and recreating things. So, I'm okay with it now. Also, I have changed my mind about going part-time in my employment. I really, really, need the money. I know I won't be happy with less. So, I have decided to change my attitude and my views on things. And it has helped. Just as I changed my views on my husband many many years ago. It has helped tremendously. I think that I am really struggling with and at odds with myself. I thought I had accepted myself, but I was still holding back and afraid to show my true self. I know that is hard to believe. But, I have censored myself quite a bit. Oh no, you say. Oh well, I say. I really do think profoundly about things and do not dare say them to people for fear that you will think I'm crazier than you already do. I have decided that ...

So, since I last posted, many moons ago, I have been going through a lot. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. Many realizations have come to me. I began a new medication to help me deal with things. Guess what, it works so darn well, I am not afraid to be myself, say what I think, or do what I want. This is good in some ways and bad in others. But, I am going to live life my way. If you don't like it, take a hike. Life is too short to be stuck and held back and afraid to speak and do anything. I want freedom. I need freedom. I want to be happy and do what I was supposed to on this earth. I have many lessons to still learn and I am determined to learn them. But, it will be learned, in freedom, the way I want. I want to get back to living the way the creator of the universe meant for us to live. I want to live simply, and naturally, and aware of nature, life cycles, energy, I want to have time for my family. I don't want to be exhausted slaving for a job that doesn't c...

For some time now I have been thinking and rethinking the direction of this blog (and my life's direction). I have vacillated back and forth between concentrating on one thing or keeping it as it is. The fact is, I am many things. Many, many things. Like the song, Nothing in Between, by Meredith Brooks: I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one, I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed, I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between. So, that's the consensus, this blog will stay the same. I knit, crochet, sew, read, make my own products, and ramble on. But, in my rambles, there is also some insight. It might take me some time to see any insight. But, that's how I roll. Like it or not. I do not conform for anyone. Not even for the chance of money or popularity. I am my own person. The direction of my life will go the way I want it to. All my bad posts wil...

I am alive and those around me are still here. lol. I just destressed for a day and then was back in action the next morning.

My mom and dad split up when I was 9 years old. The marriage was pure hell for them and me. Yes, me! I had to hear my mom crying late at night because my father was out after work doing god knows what. (Well, we know cheating was going on). When he was around it was pure hell. I walked on eggshells and was sick to my stomach most of the time. My father acted like he just hated my mom. I didn't feel like he liked me much either. I was the only reason that they even got married. There was so much fighting, crying, and my mother had breakdowns, and I had to hear my father force my mother into sex acts. It was all quite sickening. So when he did leave for good, it was a relief! Although, I was pissed at them both. Why the hell did they even get married? It was the end of the 60s and my father grew up with strict religious parents who instilled in him that if you knock a girl up; you marry her. So, that's what he did. And that was so NOT the right thing to do. Although, if he...

Thoughts in my head.... To spank or not to spank? And let me clarify that spanking and abuse are two different things. Apparently, some people do not get that at all. And someone on Twitter called me a child abuser. Hmmm? A couple of cracks on the butt using your hand is abuse? Jeez! I used to get a spanking with a bare ass and a belt or a switch from the yard that I had to pick myself. And it wasn't a couple of swats either. Well, for some reason this is truly bothering me this time. I usually pay people no mind about their opinions and can let it go with no problem. But, have instead been carrying on a hateful dialog that is never going to go anywhere or change anyone's mind. Much like every other subject in life.  Do I feel like I was an abused child? No, I don't feel that way.  So, why is it bothering me now. Maybe the spankings I had when a child have affected me more than I know. Maybe this has stunted my emotional growth and ha...

This cat of mine insists on possessing me and everything I own, including my bed!!!

There is a sign that says: Please Take a Number and Have a Seat. Also there is a sign stating what documentation we need from you. Do not stare me down and burn holes through me. If you see me on the computer and taking care of papers and answering phones and being the jack of all trades then "NO, I AM NOT READY FOR YOU" Just because someone walks out of my office, does not mean you can walk right on in uninvited. There is a number system people. I will call your number!!!! DO NOT stand right at my window waiting for me when I am so obviously busy taking care of someone else. Privacy is desperately needed. Stand the hell back!!!! Do not expect me to read your mind. There is more than one reason why you could be standing there waiting for me. If you don't know what you want then how the hell do I know. There will be 10,000 interruptions and when that happens obviously things will take a lot longer than usual . NO I don't have time to sweet ...

  I must confess that I have a problem in becoming angry and belligerent to people. Innocent people that have nothing to do with why I am angry. And there never is just one reason for the anger. It's an accumulation of irritations and obligations, etc. I have behaved badly at stores in front of customers and especially to the cashiers. I have yelled, cursed, and threatened many customer service reps on the phone whether it be the phone company, the electric company, for myself or for my mother. I take things out on anyone near me. Last Friday, I had a problem with my virus protection program on my computer through my cable service provider and did the chat thing with a customer service rep. Yes, I typed plenty of inappropriate things to let him know the depth of my annoyance. Don't worry, karma did bite me in the ass today at work. A patient treated me in the same exact way that I treat other people when I'm pissed. No, it did not feel good and...

  Yah, this is the mood I'm in quite frequently. I get really bored easily and working; taking care of the house; adult children and grandchildren leave me exhausted. There is a million things I want to do and all I see is obstacles and work and no money.

This is what I felt like after work today. It's what I feel like and look like when people are all at me at the same time demanding things from me relentlessly without any regards to me and my plans. If you are asking me to help you out and take you somewhere, then by god, it will be on MY terms and when I can fit you in! Not the other way around. And please don't spring things on me last minute. This is why I seem like a bitch and blow up in your face. I can only take so much. And yes; 2 of my family members have been told repeatedly. So, I really don't feel bad about my behavior.

I have the greatest skill at putting things off. I put off filling out forms. Balancing my bank account. Paying bills. Taking my medicine. Taking a shower. Getting up out of bed. Doing dishes. Making supper. Answering the phone. Going to the store. And I have a giant stack of papers to be filed! This is why I need an assistant. Or a swift kick in the ass! And yes, my crafting is at a standstill. What am I doing instead...wasting time on the internet and reading on my Kindle. But this whole month of January, I have been busy with TRYING to stay warm.

I have to work every weekend, so here I am at work. I hope my schedule changes soon. It has NOT been an easy January. And I'm hoping things will be getting better in my personal life as well. To help with my making regular posts, I plan on doing Wordless Wednesdays as well as entries from my grandmothers family history she put together. I sure do miss her. She would have been 102 years old January 12. She died when she was 98. Speaking of birthdays; my dads birthday is today. Happy Birthday, Daddy!

Not only did I just recently purchase a Kindle Reader, I am finally able to sync my Google Calendar with my iPhone calendar! This is awesome since there is now a notification center that I can swipe from any application and see my calendar events and reminders as well as other things. I am just loving this new OS5 update!! And now Blogger finally has an iPhone app!!! Life is grand (sometimes).

There was a time in my teenage years that I loved math and science. I was fascinated by space and did at one time entertain the idea of being an astronaut. Hmm, this is very funny. What would I have been if I had accepted my science teacher's suggestion and enrolled in an advanced science class? I will never know, because I didn't do it. But, then anyway, I would have probably had to join the military and become a pilot which in no way interests me and frankly scares the hell out of me. So, there you go, I am just a wife, mother, and grandmother who has a boring job. Here is a link to an astronaut who is piloting the last space shuttle mission to the International Space Station. And, alas! He is from the North Country. http://watertowndailytimes.com/article/20110620/NEWS03/306209994

So, I thought today was going to be a quite day at home and no work. But, while checking Facebook, I learned that my two daughters were planning on coming to my house with their kids in tow. Hmmm. I don't recall anyone asking me about this. Well, anyway they weren't here yet, so I went about my business and housework chores and made my homemade cleaning products. Then, me and hubby went off to the nursery to buy a few plants for the garden. Yes, I know we are late; but, whatever! We can't live by the rules of society or mother nature. So, we got some tomatoes, green peppers, cabbage (why hubby picked this, I don't know. I don't make cabbage), cucumbers, and strawberries. Also, I got a few herbs: chives, parsley, thyme, rosemary, and lavender. I had to get some herbs in seed form as they didn't have them already started. But, I plan on planting my herbs in window boxes and bring them inside when the season ends and re potting them. Now, all I want is lettuce an...

So from the last post, you must think I have an unhappy marriage. That is wrong. I love my husband and feel there is no one else for me. It's true we have had a rocky marriage but there are plenty of good times also. Most of the problems are me and no I'm not an enabler and think everything is my fault.I say that because for years I have tried to make my life and marriage like what everyone else thought was right and proper. I have tried to change my husband into what I so desperately wanted in myself. It took 15 years before I finally got it. I finally came to the realization that I am so mad at him for not being the person I wanted myself to be. Because, if he was that person then it would be so much easier for me to be that person. When I finally realized this, things began to change. And I really do think it was overnight. I decided to concentrate on the things I do love about him and accept him as he is. I decided to make time for him and his feelings and then in turn ...

Recent events have me wondering again why women grovel and beg their no good mate to stay. Whatever the reason is for the leaving or putting up with the abuse is another matter. But the begging and groveling is really disgusting. We all like to believe that we have and never will do it. But, I think we all do it to a certain degree. We cater to our mates every whim and likes. Even when they are assholes, we try all the harder to charm them. It's all to a different degree when your in your 20s; 30s; 40s, etc. By the time your kids have grown and are out of the house, you can finally concentrate on your mate, and again cater to their every need to make them happy. But, hopefully; by then your mate will reciprocate; which will result in a happy union. But was it all worth it? I don't know the answer to that. It's hard watching your daughters go through this. I am sick to my stomach with worry for them. I give them all the proper advice. But, have they learned from me? I thi...

The last part of April was a crazy and scary time for this family. My daughter was very sick and almost died. Thank God we didn't wait any longer to take her to the ER. For her story, you can click here: lucky to still be alive. In the meantime, my mother and I  have been making preemie hats to give to the NICU where my nephew, Oliver, was born in lieu of his birthday. My sister gathers up preemie supplies and donations every year for Oliver's birthday and personally gives them to the NICU. For her story, you can visit: Ollie's Story. Not much else is happening. Just waiting for warmer weather to arrive; working; and trying to survive one day at a time. I am making garden plans as I have been forever. We will see if I actually get a garden this year. My dream this summer is to spend more time outside; master the grill; and drink margarita's; watch the grand kids laugh and play; and garden.